Saturday, 16 February 2013

Nothing on the telly so...

It's been a good few weeks. Calm and constant with the only dramas being the ones that occur inside my head, me being the worrier and over analyser that I am.  The three little monkeys seem happy and settled, Jake sunnier than he's been in a long while and I've found myself looking at my four thinking yep, we're doing okay, we're coping, we're managing - sometimes fantastically sometimes by the skin of our teeth and isn't it just great to be able to say that after all we've been through. Three cheers, about bloody time, hip hip horaay etc etc...
So, we've just been getting on with things.  The five of us. And I have to confess that I feel a little reluctant to make any changes to the current status quo. I'm not too keen on our boat being rocked. Very selfish of me, I know.  But I've been feeling a little primal, like a tigeress protecting her cubs (I did just mention my dramatic tendancies). 
What's hard is separating my desires from the childrens.  Remembering that they have a whole different set of wants and needs to mine. The tricky thing is I no longer seem able to suppress my own feelings to the point where they make me ill.  Been there, done that and would really rather not have to learn that particular lesson again. Does that make me the worst mother ever?
The fact is I'm starting to quite like life again. The levels of stress and conflict that, not so long ago, were the norm now feel so intolerable that I can barely stand more than a few minutes of tummy twisting tension in any circumstances.  I've become allergic to situations that don't feel right and just can't seem to turn a blind eye to them anymore.  Of course, for me as an individual, this is a good thing. But what about the children?  Maybe I should just put all of my uncomfortable emotions in a tightly sealed container and focus on what's best for them?  How do I create a situation that's best for all of us?  What is best for all of us?!  Wow. So many questions for a Saturday night. Where's a nice, brain numbing episdoe of  X-Factor when you need one?


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